There And Back Again (Returning From The Wilderness)

Deuteronomy 8:2 "Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands." (NIV)

This is more a renewed blog with a new name rather than what I might call a "new" blog and while I was so attached to "Chronicles of a Christian Filmmaker" - I realize that "Light in a Dark Theater - A Christian Filmmaker's Journey"  is even more compelling to me.  And I need something new.  Let me explain with a bit of history of where I've been and where I want to go with this blog now.   There's a lot of history here and a lot of baggage, but I think it's worth it to share in detail what I share here.  So please forgive the long-winded dialogue.

When I was 7 years old and saw Star Wars a dream was birthed in me to make movies.  There was something about that movie - seeing that amazing story of adventure, science fiction and fantasy, amazing special effects come to life.  My life would forever be changed.  Nearly 20 years later I came to faith in Yeshua (Jesus) the Messiah.   I had such passion and zeal.  And while I made a positive impact on people, I've come to realize that my faith was one of zeal without knowledge and quite immature.    It's not that I didn't make an impact on people and didn't go through tough times.  It's just that I assumed a lot of things about God and didn't know firsthand about such deeper truths as gray areas and times when you just don't know what to do.  Times of testing and deep purification have burned me up to a very salty and burned up french fry.

This picture is one that I don't like to show normally in public (I did once on another blog at an appropriate time) is a fun picture of me blowing a shofar.  It sort of has a prophetic feeling to it since it's in the water and shofars are an essential part of the end times.  But while it's kind of cool, I suppose it could be taken as a bit hokey and super-spiritual as well (Which is why I'm not sure I like showing it around.  So I'll let God determine and my true Christian friends share what they think to see what becomes of it)  


But it's rather symbolic of the times of faith I lived out before my journey to the Texas desert.  It was definitely a time of great zealousness in my faith.

Anyhowwhen I became born again I thought - "I can be a filmmaker for God."  At the time I had been working as a professional freelancer in the New York film industry.  I'd worked as a production assistant on movies and tv shows.

I had left the film industry for a short while to try my hand at Christian movies and began writing a script which was really bad.  I realize now that I had lost touch already with what a story was - the very thing I had passion for when I went to college and made many student films there.  This was sorely lacking in my work because I was trying to force God into my stories rather than focusing on a good story and letting the Spirit of God determine where He wants to be in the story.

And with that failure at making a Christian film and being broke I returned to work on the movie sets and did real well for myself until guilt and confusion began to battle the Spirit of God and I found myself leaving the film industry behind for what I thought might be forever.   I wondered if this was even His will for me - I had believed that I put filmmaking above God and family and that it was an idol to me (and yes, I had a wrong perspective - I agree - It's just that I was letting guilt rather than the Spirit of God lead me, I really believe)  So I even  ended up turning down working on a sci fi monster movie.  Who would have thought that Tom Swift would turn down working on a  sci fi monster movie - it was so amazing to get a call to work on that big budget blockbuster film at the time.   

Anyhow... I wrestled with this leaving of the filmmaking thing - It was like eating ashes and its own wilderness experience.  But I came through it with a renewed sense of destiny while working at an ABC news affiliate as a videographer in North Carolina.  And was convinced that God was telling me to return.  So I did. I started my film company - Awaken Pictures in 2004.  Being a follower of the Hebrew Roots of the Christian Faith made it even more exciting as the name expressed that sort of picture of a shofar blowing prophetic insight to the world.   We had a beautiful and theatrical dedication ceremony with lots of fanfare.  I left the news station and took an office job to provide and open more time to work on the films.  Then we dedicated to God our first documentary "Flood" (about a church fighting flood waters) and even put an altar call at the end of it.  Hey - Give the firstfruits to God, right?  Then He'll bless the rest, right?  Not necessarily.  Remember, Cain gave an offering to God first and that didn't turn out so well (Yes, I know God does receive offerings and blesses them - He did bless Abel's offering- but nothing is guaranteed with Him.  He can't be bought or manipulated.  He's God - but that's a story for another day)

During this time I discovered a great community of online Christian communities - Christianfilmmaker.com and Christianfilmmakers.org and there I really met some great people of faith who were striving to make films and I was able to wrestle with some of the theological difficulties that I was struggling with as a Christian making movies - many of the things that they were struggling with and debating.  A lot of great discussions and debates happened there.  I found a great community who understood the struggle of being a person of faith and being a filmmaker.  And even with intense battles over the law vs grace and being in Hollywood vs Outside Hollywood - Messiah's love and insight filled us and iron sharpened iron.

But with my filmmaking endeavors, things began to get really difficult... not easier.  The money thing never really came to fruition  and I was so focused on believing I was to stay in this little town called New Bern in North Carolina that I was not allowing myself to grow professionally.  So I continued working on films on the side, still failing to properly balance filmmaking and family  and things got really intense and desperate with the finances.

Oh I blamed Satan for attacking me and my family - because "God's will was for me to be a filmmaker and He was attacking!" and I'm sure the enemy loves to see God's children - especially those who are working in filmmaking to be beaten to a pulp. And he does mess with us - we are in a spiritual war as you know.

But God could have jumped in and provided some money for me to do this full time if He wanted.  And certainly I could have done a heck of a lot better being a father and a husband.  Then the day job was hit by the economy in 2010 and we sold the house which we couldn't afford and moved into an RV.  And I had to leave the day job.

By 2011  I found myself heading into a literal desert in Texas in this RV in the middle of an ice storm with my wife and four children, with no income, no job and at the lowest point of my career and life.

Oh, yes... I was a full time filmmaker now - living by faith -- but my one newest documentary - my ace in the hole - made such little money and never blew up to this big thing like I believed - I hoped it would.  I was devastated.  I then had this nightmare that I fell into a pit and when I touched bottom it was not bottom - it was quicksand.  That was what it felt like and it penetrated my mind in a terrible way.

I was depressed and I felt so alone.  I was supposed to be leading my family and all I could do was sit there in the confusion with questions and no answers.  And here while I was holding onto my dream to be a filmmaker - it sure looked like I had been wasting my time - chasing the wind.   "Where God guides He provides" was the thinking that was breathing down my heart.  So why was he not providing for me in this?  Wasn't this His will for me? Was my dream a pipe dream?

And so many more questions: Where was God?  Where was my dream?  What was He teaching me?   Why was I struggling even to follow Him or hear His voice?  

So deep was this descent into darkness and into a pit - that I'm still recovering to this day.  And so is my family.  If you were my wife or child, what would you think of this filmmaking thing that your husband or father was pursuing and it had not provided financial stability?  It certainly would be hard for you.  It's hard enough for me to hang on - and so I do - but trusting that God will keep my family believing with me. 

I came through it... out of this desert-  but I'm not the same and don't know if I'll ever be.  My pastor likes to tell me that I'm so much stronger than I ever was.  I've heard it said "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger".   I don't really know.  I have felt so distant from the Father and struggled to read the Word and pray - I'm just wandering around and recovering.   I'm just being honest here.  I've had questions and felt distant and confused.  That doesn't make me a non Christian - it makes me a human being.  So many of the faithful in Scripture struggled at times.  And we are not exempt from such things... especially in times when God doesn't appear to be there (even though He is).

Much of that experience in the RV is being featured in our documentary called Swift Family Robinson Adventures.  Which you can find out more at  https://www.facebook.com/swiftfamilyrobinson/

So I went there... into the wilderness... and now I've come back again (to borrow from the famous Hobbit title featured in the title of this blog post)

Then I began working at a secular theme park in Florida and that's where I was feeling like a Christian Zombie - alive but just barely and looking and feeling quite dead.  Yeah I know - What's that World War Z like in a Christian movie?  I kept quite a low profile and was just getting by.

And that's where I've realized that as I've walked around so many people who haven't shared my faith - I didn't really know them.  I didn't know people.  I didn't know their music, I didn't know the culture anymore.  I couldn't relate.  I've been living in a cave - my own personal Christian Ghetto for so long -that I didn't like what I'd become.  I was so judgmental and afraid of the people in the world that a spiritual pride had driven me into a blindness and it was really impossible to  love people in general around me who didn't know God and didn't share my faith.  I was also judgmental of other Christians who might listen to secular music or watch certain movies, for example.  I was "not of the world" - but also "not in the world" as God's Word teaches us to be.  Instead I was hidden from the world - invisible - and my lamp was hidden and buried in the sand.  

I also had lost this passion of telling a good story.   The very thing that inspired me in my childhood.

I was so consumed by guilt and trying to find a legalistic way to fit God into my films that my stories were suffering terribly as I developed them.  I did pray at one point and God gave me a few good stories.  But for the most part, within me - the stories were lacking because I had forgotten about what excited me about movies in the first place and great stories.

When I reflected on a short film I made in college at a time when I wasn't a believer in Yeshua (Jesus) it was so much better than the shorts I was making today. 

And if I had the Spirit of God living in me now - why was I making such crappy art?  One exception to this was my documentaries - they actually were pretty solid - but it seems that less people want to watch them at this time because people want to watch actors in a movie more than a documentary - especially online.  Why did my narrative films lack passion and a good story told well?  God is the master storyteller.  What I believe happened was that I allowed legalism (forcing some legalistic standard of God into a movie) and fear (fear of passion and letting the story tell itself) to creep into my films and they suffered terribly.  Certainly this wasn't God's fault.

And it isn't God's fault.  I've begun reading good books on telling good stories well as of late and received a renewed love of cinema by watching some great movies I've seen in recent days - going back to my roots... and it's helped tremendously.  Some of the greatest Superhero movies that have ever been made are coming forth today.  It's a great time to watch movies and be inspired.

So during this period of time - good things have happened.  I've begun to regain a new sense of what telling a good story really is and why it's so important to an audience. And why being a Christian filmmaker, to me, is more about being passionate about telling great stories, loving movies, and surrendering your life to Messiah than forcing God into your story.  You can't put new wine into old wineskins teaches the Master - in the same way you can't force God into a story.  He must be in us and then we have to trust that He will find His way into our stories by His Spirit - not by some legalistic standard.  We can't be so afraid anymore.    We need to trust Him to guide us in the storytelling process.

This has totally changed my perspective - and the present narrative works I'm developing have been rebooted and refreshed and I believe they will be so much better than if I had made them during my days of zealousness without knowledge.

I've been a believer in Yeshua (Jesus) the Messiah for many years now and have pursued this dream of filmmaking for most of my life. I've got a long way to go, but I believe I've learned some things that are worth sharing along the way of my journey.   And I want to help you as God helps me and I humbly go forth in this dark theater where an audience is anxiously waiting to see what stories we have to tell them at this time, being projected as a beam of light and imagery onto a big or little screen.

I've been feeling so moved to create a Christian Filmmaker devotional and I believe this is a good place to share some of those thoughts.  So stay tuned and please pray for me.  I'm struggling. I'm still wounded.  I'm not perfect.  But I do love the Christian filmmakers, I still love God (though I feel I understand Him less now than ever before) and still seek to serve Him and observe His Commandments.  And I love everything about movies.  I'm full of such a wealth of things that God, life, and experience in the film industry has taught me over the years that are worth sharing. Why keep them to myself?

So stay tuned.  I believe this is the beginning of a great work and my pain is for your gain (smile).

Shalom (peace),
Tom